Journal

two days to full
june 4, 2001 ~ 5:06 p.m.

Well it looks like I'm not going to be able to go to the beach after all. But we'll probably go somewhere this summer.

My old friend Colyn from junior high is moving away. This shouldn't bother me, since we haven't spoken in at least two years. But somehow I feel like I still have unresolved issues with her. When she came out to me, I didn't react well. I mean, I didn't even really say anything, just sort of stared. And after that we never spoke about it again, so she probably thought I was homophobic but still willing to hang out with her, which is obviously bullshit. The truth is, I was still questioning at that point, and I didn't know what to say to her. So I said nothing, never told her how great it was that she could come out to me, never told her how happy I was for her, never told her about me. I think that would have made her feel better. So ever since then, I've felt guilty about it, especially after I finally realized I was a lesbian.

It's odd really, that we were such good friends for so long each without realizing that the other was queer, even if we knew it ourselves. I mean, I began to suspect it after a while. But I doubt she ever suspected it of me. I was always talking about guys back then, and I didn't even know what I was saying. I said they were cute, I obsessed over them, but I was never attracted to them, and it took me a long time to realize that. I think I was just following Jackie's lead. She was the really obsessed one. But when she started talking about real guys that she liked rather than celebrities, I didn't understand.

It's so funny actually, because Jackie was really homophobic. Even last year, when we were emailing each other, she called things gay like it meant stupid. If she had known back then that both me and Colyn, probably her two best friends, were lesbians, she would have freaked.

I remember back when I was homophobic, too, laughing at the words "lesbian" and "gay". The time my friend Liz whispered a rumor to me about this seventh grade girl who was a lesbian, and I was horrified. And the time when there was an article in seventeen or something called "I kissed a girl" about a lesbian, and me and Jackie read the article together, giggling the whole time. But I think I was already starting to change my mind at that point, because that was the year one of my bisexual friends came out to me and made me realize how wrong I was. By ninth grade I was arguing with Liz about it.

Anyway, Colyn's moving away and I'll probably never see her again, which is too bad. But it's not like I see her now anyway.

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